Thursday, February 23, 2017

I've Found the Answer

Ask any writer and he or she will tell you that the question most commonly asked of him or her is, “Where do you get your ideas?” You’ll get the same answer if you ask any writer for his or her least favorite question. It is a question that has no good answer. Ideas fall into our heads or are developed over long periods of time, and they come from everywhere, from...we don’t know where. Writers hate the question because we have no answer.

Well, I think I’ve found the answer.

For some years now, I’ve been having a lot of neuropathic pain on the left side of my body. The entire left side, top to bottom, front and back, and even in my mouth, tongue, and eyeball. It has grown steadily worse, become increasingly disruptive, and has seriously damaged my ability to work.

A month ago, I saw a neurologist who pulled up my records on his computer and showed me an MRI of my brain that clearly revealed a prominent spot in the center of the right side of my brain. A tumor there would explain the weird left-side-only pain I’ve been having. The problem with that MRI was that it had been taken in 2007—and I had never seen it! I stared at that spot, shocked into apoplectic silence. When I told the doctor I had never seen the MRI before, he did not believe me. “Oh, I’m sure you reviewed it with the doctor who ordered it.” But I had not. He said he wanted to take another MRI to see if the spot had grown or multiplied.

That was a month ago. I just got the MRI results today.

In the meantime, while I waited in paralyzing suspense, I decided to do a little research on that 2007 MRI I had never seen. It had been ordered by a neurologist I was seeing back then for pain control. I’d just had the third operation on my right hip, a hip replacement to replace the first replacement that didn’t take. I was having a lot of pain and needed help managing it. But I soon realized this was probably not the man to address the problem. He was disheveled, frequently confused, he forgot an appointment, and his office was a mess. Records were stacked everywhere—on tables, in boxes, boxes on top of boxes. I assumed he was either on drugs or mentally ill and only saw him a handful of times.

I was having a lot of procedures back then because of that hip and I guess I decided it was conceivable that I had forgotten that MRI. I had no memory of having it done and still don't. But I know I would have remembered a spot on my goddamned brain. I never saw that MRI, but knowing who ordered it makes that easier to understand. I found some California Medical Board documents online and discovered that, two years after ordering that MRI, this doctor killed a patient.

He had a female patient on the Fentanyl patch, a pain pump, morphine, and Valium, and he allowed an unlicensed, inexperienced assistant to administer the woman’s pain pump refill. The assistant gave her eight times the prescribed dose and the woman collapsed in the parking lot outside the office and died later that evening. The doctor was stripped of his license, but was told that if he decided to renew his license, he would have to take an extensive course in record keeping, because his records were a disaster.

I wondered if that could be the problem. Maybe that MRI with the spot wasn’t mine at all. Maybe it was someone else's MRI, someone else's brainspot, and had been misfiled, or something, by Dr. Julius Kelp. I could hope. And I did, fervently, for a month. But little could distract me from the gigantic deep-purple neon sign that kept flashing in the middle of my mind:

I was surprised that even more frightening than a brain tumor itself was the prospect of brain surgery. The idea of my skull being cut open and my brain being tampered with probably kept me from sleeping more than anything else. With it came the fear that such an operation might leave me spending the rest of my life begging George to tell me about the rabbits.

Not knowing something about your health, like whether or not you have a tumor growing in your head, is a monster that gets bigger and more menacing the later the night gets. It’s been a rough month.

Today, I saw the doctor to get the results. It turns out that old MRI is mine after all. So is the spot. It’s still there and has not changed in ten years. It’s I didn’t know you could have just damned spot on your damned brain, but apparently you can and I do.

I’ve decided I’m going to carry a picture of that MRI with me wherever I go, and every time someone asks me that question—“Where do you get your ideas?”—I’m going to take it out, point to that spot on my brain, and say, “See this? That’s where they come from. That’s my cerebral idea sphincter. The ideas come out of there. Sometimes in fragments, sometimes in one whole piece. It’s long been speculated that every writer has a cerebral idea sphincter, but mine is the first one that’s ever been captured in an MRI.”

Hey, these days people will believe anything.

NOTE: I’ll be selling wallet-sized photos of the MRI showing my brain and its spot—which you can call your own!—to writers only (be ready to show your license) in the lobby.

I managed to keep from spending the past month under my bed thanks to a small group of friends who were extremely supportive and generous. You know who you are. Thank you. I love you.


  1. Oh Ray, I am just in tears reading this how fighting to be told you have a "spot" in your brain THEN find out your doctor has killed someone. My heart is thumping so hard while reading this. I am so releaved that your new MRI shows no change in size or proportion. I can not even imagine how scared you were while waiting for your results. GS.

  2. Ray, I think I just mindlessly "liked" your Facebook post, because hey, I generally like everything you have to say. Reading this I was really scared for you, illness to me is the most frightening kind of horror. I'm really happy to hear the spot was just that. I'm also sorry about you neuropathic pain. I'm familiar with the dark path of chronic pain, my ex had a messed up back that got far more messed up after surgery. I sincerely hope you find relief. Your fans love you, don't stop trying to find the answer.

  3. Thank you, Ken. I've got some wonderfully supportive people in my life, especially my wife Dawn, who's a rock. And I've got a good doctor, Dr. Larry Fish. I have type 2 diabetes, and because of that, all neuropathy is dismissed as being caused by that. If you have diabetes, it's nearly impossible to find a doctor who will even consider a possible cause besides diabetes. It took me a long time to find one, but I did in Dr. Fish, who got the ball rolling to explore it further, and for that I'm very grateful. This was a terrifying experience, but it made me aware of what you just pointed out, Ken. Thank you. I'm very fortunate.

  4. No way Ray! I am both sorry and relieved! Take care of yourself - we love having you around, reading your books, blogs and posts - so long as your spot knows his place and who's Boss!

  5. I know how frustrating this has been for you! You are so much stronger than you realize and have so many people around that love you so very much! I love you and Dawn dearly and think you are awesome! I'm so proud to know and work for you a bit! Thank you for being you and my friend

  6. Ray, my brother from another mother, I'm so glad the spot has been properly identified. My own personal theory about this was that it was your resorbed twin, a la, Stephen King's "The Dark Half." But, of course, we know in this case it would have been "The Light Half" in there making the spot. But I yield to your own interpretation, that it is the source of your ideas. Only one thing clashes with that: if it were the source of your ideas, it would surely have grown larger from that MRI to this one, as your talents, terrific to begin with, have grown throughout your career. Of course, talent is not the same as ideas. I'm sure you've been handed ideas by others, some of them quite good, that you can't really act upon for a number of reasons, including that they didn't arise in your own brain.

    Anyway, Ray, I'm so glad it's NOT a tumor. We need about fifty more books from you. More if you can manage it. If you have to live to a hundred to do that, so much the better.

  7. I totally get where you are coming from in reference to doctors and pain management. without going into big detail about myself, I have Arnold Chiari Malformation of the Brain Type 2. When I was born my skull was deformed in the back which caused my brain to have to adjust lower than normal. I had horrible Migraine headaches growing up, but at that time and not until about 20 years ago was Chiari found and diagnosed by doctors. And in 2005 I slipped on ice coming out of work, causing my brain to jar and sit even lower against my spinal cord, and that started the big problems I have now. I have constant pain and balance problems, nerve damage in my neck and right side. I was on tons of pain meds, but after suffering short term memory loss (permanent)as a side effect that I never found anywhere in the research on opiates, I took myself off all of them and I no longer take any pain medication. I found that CBD Oil works wonders for pain, stress and anxiety. It helps your appetite, and I love it. It is totally legal in all 50 states, but if you want to try it make sure you buy from a reputable seller. I get mine from Diamond CBD. They regularly have their products tested from an outside lab, to make sure their products meet FDA guidelines and they put the results up with the product. It helps me greatly and because there is no THC in CBD Oil, you do not get the paranoia or a "high" at all. You can feel it relaxing your muscles though and for me it is a Godsend and has allowed me to get off of opiates altogether. Give it a try if you have not yet, but do not say anything about it to your pain management doctor. For some reason, even though CBD is legal, they do not want their patients to use it. I think it is because they are in with the pharma companies to keep people on opiates. I have passed several urine screens after using it THAT DAY. It will not show up because there is no THC in it. It can be pricey but for me it is worth it to not get a few things every month in order to afford the CBD. I use the "Vape additive", I put a few drops into a tank filled with 0% nicotine E Juice. I do vape, it helped me kick a 36 year old smoking habit when nothing else worked. Anyhow, sorry for the book and I hope things work out positively for you medically.